23 Feb 02

"A dragon lives forever
But not so little boys
Painted wings and giant rings
Make way for other toys."
Peter, Paul and Mary

Christmas always had somewhat of a bittersweet irony for me.

I don't think I ever understood Christmas the way other kids understood it. I mean, sure, I understood the religious importance of the holiday, and I understood that getting presents was fun, but I also saw something else behind all the cheer.

I guess I always felt like Christmas was too temporary.

Do you remember the coolest present that you EVER got on Christmas when you were eight years old? Or maybe it was when you were five or twelve...I don't know...how old were you when you got the coolest present ever?

You don't know, do you? Or maybe you do have an idea...and maybe that idea is that it was the present you got last year...even though you're thirty now.

But why is that?

Man, I can remember Christmas days that were absolutely magical. There was joy and communion and excitement and suspense and gratitude and happiness. Do you remember those Christmases? I do. Of course you do...everyone has had Christmases like that.

But can you really remember why you experienced those emotions? Do you remember the specific events that made you feel that way?

I'm sure you can point to time spent with your family, and I'm sure that interaction sparked some memorable times. But as a child, time spent with your family, especially your extended family, was just a necessary evil you were required to endure before you could open your presents.

So, as a child, most of those emotions were actually inspired by the gift exchanging...I mean, you actually remember watching television to see where Santa was before you went to a restless sleep, don't you? Can you remember who was at your Christmas party with your family when you were eight? Probably not, but I'll bet you can remember going to bed, way too excited to sleep, hoping that you would get your coolest gift ever.

Gifts...those were what made Christmases so special to you when you were a child. And Christmases make up some of your best childhood memories. But, you still can't remember what the coolest present was that you got when you were seven years old...and you must confess, in all honesty, that every year you received the "coolest present ever."

And that's easy to understand why: because by the next Christmas...actually, probably by Spring...the magic of your coolest gift ever had worn off.

Now, I'm not being judgmental about this. After all, we were kids. The world was new...there were always different things to learn and find and want. What we had today would seem simple and childish to us tomorrow when we learned something new.

I mean, seriously, I remember having a stuffed teddy bear...but that couldn't last forever. Eventually I wanted basketballs, and then drums, and then plastic toy soldiers, and then baseball gloves, and then computers.

And now I don't know what happened to that teddy bear...the coolest gift ever...at the time.

And I think that at an early age I realized the natural, inherent volatility and impermanence of Christmas gifts. I recognized our false labels of gifts...we were calling these things the "coolest gifts ever," but then we were forgetting about them in six months. I realized that the excitement on Christmas...the excitement that came from the gifts...was not genuine. It was shallow...it was false...it was misguided...because it went away very, very quickly.

And so I decided to be intelligent and mature and adult about the whole thing. I decided to place importance on the holiday itself. I decided to love Christmas for its real meaning...I decided not to let myself be sucked into temporary feelings of happiness when I could embrace long-term fulfillment and be rewarded with a more complete, permanent happiness.

And that lesson was learned and applied.

But here I am now...I'm getting older...I've learned all these lessons...and yet I sometimes feel like I never really learned anything. Because now I just have the same misguided childhood expectations...I've just redirected them to a different facet of life.

Because, you know, when was the last time you found your soul mate? When was the last time you found the person who was the answer to all your prayers? When was the last time you found the "coolest person ever?"

Every single one of us has gotten into relationships that have turned out to be bad for us. But we didn't admit it in the beginning.

You can't blame all of them on "oh, he changed when I got to know him," because how many of those bad relationships did your friends tell you, from the beginning, that this guy or girl wasn't good for you? You've been there.

But you embraced the person, nonetheless. This person was your savior; this person was everything you ever wanted in a mate. Do you remember? I mean, I remember women...they were funny, intelligent, attractive, successful, independent, caring, athletic, loving...you know, everything I wanted in a woman.

But where are they now? What has happened to our soul mates? Why have we left so many soul mates back in the past?

Because, I contend, we're still stuck in an eight-year-old's Christmas.

We want satisfaction...we want it now. We may not want it tomorrow, but who cares, just as long as we get it today.

We all eventually learned to stop placing so much importance on the shallow impermanence of Christmas toys. We eventually realized that instant gratification from Christmas presents would wear off very, very quickly, and we wanted a little more stability and consistency in our lives.

But here we are...ten...fifteen...twenty years later doing the same thing all over again.

She looks good...I must have her.

How is this any different?

Why did we outgrow the plastic toy soldiers and the teddy bears? What made us long for computers and stereos and clothes? We eventually matured into adults who wanted Christmas gifts that would last us through the next Christmas...maybe even for several years. Eventually we began to place the real importance on the everlasting communion with our families and the long-lasting joy it brought to us each Christmas.

Yet, we still find ourselves attracted to people who will only give us short-term satisfaction. We gravitate towards people who don't nurture our spirits...we find the "coolest person ever" when he or she looks good...or when he has a good job...or when the person has any number of worldly, superficially positive traits.

And then we're surprised when, like our Christmas presents, that person is no longer around by Springtime.

But why don't we realize the importance of our soul? Why don't we know what will satisfy our soul?

Because we just don't want to...period.

We never got over Christmas presents.

Teddy bears gave way to cars, but cars were replaced by lovers. Time is short...I think man has an instinctual concept of his mortality...and so we want satisfaction right here and right now.

But there is a maturity beyond adulthood...there is a soul that lives eternally...I'm convinced of it. But that soul will never grow if we don't nurture it. We have to teach our soul...we have to care for our soul...we must ensure that our soul makes it through all this intact.

Because our soul is the only thing we will take with us.

And instant gratification will never get us anywhere.

The teddy bears are gone...the Christmas presents are less important because we've matured in age.

But we've also got to mature in spirit...we've got to move past the instant gratification we seek in partners.

I don't want to grow up...I want to be 21 again...sometimes I want to be eight again. But I'm not...I can't be...ever. That part is gone...I no longer want teddy bears for Christmas, so I'm going to let go of my grasp on the ungrateful lovers. They never helped my soul...they never helped me mature. Maybe I felt good with them...for a season...but it passed. And then I was left with nothing...nothing that I could take with me.

Everyone will someday come to this understanding. When will it happen? She could have been my soul mate...if she had only wanted me for something more than instant gratification...something more than a Christmas present.

I think I would feel better if I could just hold that ragged old teddy bear.

(c) 2002 Me

[Safety] [The Room] [The Trail] [Cool Summer] [Achievement] [Valkyries' Last Ride]
[Infinity] [The Eagle] [Spring Sunday] [Astray] [The Bumblebee] [Plastic Toy Soldiers]

Back to Stories